Live.Awake

Pet Peave #23: Self-Gratifying Twitter Users

// April 14th, 2009 // 5 Comments » // Pet Peeves, Twitter

Twitter is taking the web by storm and I’m glad. Not only is it the “next cool thing”, but it is having a real effect on internet culture, how we use the web, and it is beginning (in my view) to change our “offline” culture as well. But that’s another post, another day. Right now, I’d like to point out one thing that irritates me about some Twitter users.

It’s the same complaint that I had when blogging first hit the world like an atom bomb of inane “look at what my cat just did” carnage. Sure, everyone has a voice now, but should everyone really have a voice? I guess so. Honestly, it’s hard not to want to restrict that freedom when your buddy expects you to look at daily updates on the state of his back hair. Or your Aunt wants you to look at 23 pictures of her in the Snuggie she got for Christmas on Facebook. Sometimes it’s best to keep our narcissism to ourselves until we eventually discover that the world simply can’t revolve around more than one person at a time. Now, years later, it seems like some of the “Cat Blogging” has abated and the blogosphere has reached a little more equilibrium (well… mostly). Maybe we just had to get it out of our system for a while.

Now Twitter enters the scene and the immediacy of communication and life-share gets us all hot and bothered again. The problem is that life-share can quickly become over-share.

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Pet Peeve #24 – Cats

// August 22nd, 2008 // 3 Comments » // Family Life, Humor, Pet Peeves

No, not the play.  Though that may be pet peeve #23.  (Seriously.  If the play “Cats” doesn’t completely weird you out, then something has gone terribly wrong).  I’m talking about real cats.  You know, the ones that spend their first 3 weeks of life on this planet looking cute and adorable, and the next 10 years living as furry endentured servants of Satan.

Now some of you know that I have recently come into the possession of a cat.  Her name is Molly.  We got her free from some rednecks that already had 345 kittens in their little shack and just didn’t have any more room.  I was swindled by my daughters and their mother was in cahoots with them as well.  They promised that the litter box wouldn’t stink, the carpet wouldn’t get ripped to shreds, and the cat would be nice and sweet.  I’m such a stooge.  One bat of their eyelashes and pouty bottom lips and the room started to spin.  Next thing I know another warm body is hopping around my house whining and clawing at me because I’m not giving it enough love, affection, and name-brand food.

Why don’t I like cats?  Let me count the ways…

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Why I’m Mad at Curious George

// June 18th, 2008 // 5 Comments » // Family Life, Movies, Pet Peeves

I credit Curious George and Louis L’Amour with my love for reading. When I was a kid, Mom would take us to the public library. I was only interested in Curious George books. I would collect every one of those yellow books that I could find, bring them home, and devour each one.

I liked George because he got into trouble about as much as I did. I also loved the illustrations in the books. But, I always understood that the hero of the book was the Man in the Yellow Hat. He was the ultimate father figure. He was a safari adventurer. He was confident. He always corrected George when he did wrong, but he was also incredibly patient and understanding. He knew George was only a silly monkey and didn’t expect him to act like an adult human. He also loved George, but he loved him as a father not as a friend. He also had great fashion sense. He wore that yellow outfit before anyone else knew how cool it really was.

Recently I watched the Curious George movie. I was more excited than my kids were because I still really dig Curious George and the Man in the Yellow Hat.  Boy was I disappointed.

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Pet Peeve #25 – Grocery Store Math

// June 6th, 2008 // 4 Comments » // Family Life, Humor, Pet Peeves

First, let me say from the start that this post is completely biased.  Math and I have been enemies since 3rd grade.  3rd grade is when I discovered the fleeting joys of cheating.  It was in 4th grade that I discovered the lasting pain to my rear when my parents discovered that their young son had become an expert cheater.  I had been getting A’s on my math tests, yet I knew NO MATH WHATSOEVER.  I thought it was a pretty good deal that I could get good grades and not know anything.  My parents didn’t share my sense of good fortune.

So all the way through long division, fractions (and multiplying fractions), pre-algebra, algebra, word problems, physics, chemistry, and quantum physics I longed for the day when I would take my last math class.  Then the day came as a sophomore in college.  I believe the last word problem I did involved calculating the angle of a truck bed in relation to a pile of cow manure.  I had to calculate how much force it would take to move x pounds of dung up the inclined truck bed.  My math professor was a redneck who wore overalls to class.  I passed the class (I understand dung).  I thought that, after many battles, I had finally won the war.  Math was dead, and I stood victorious.  I could now spend the rest of my life wallowing in the glorious subjective goo of all that it is to be an English major.  I recently found some of my old papers from my senior lit classes.  One of the comments on the paper was something like, “Ben, your writing style is excellent.  You communicate your thoughts well and the paper is engaging to read.  However, you don’t seem to have a good grasp of the novel and do not cover any of the themes of the book with any detail.  Did you even read the book?”  You know what grade I got on that paper?  I got an A.  That’s what I mean by “subjective goo”.

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Pet Peeve #26 – Christianese

// May 13th, 2008 // 8 Comments » // Church Life, General, Music, Pet Peeves

I’m a native English speaker. I also speak a little bit of Spanglish.

Como se name? Me llamo is Ben. I gusto tacos. Donde esta el bathroom?

I’m also fluent in Christianese. Being a pastor’s kid, this was the first language that I learned. To this day, when I encounter a Christian native, I’m able to communicate with ease regardless of the dialect (Assembly of God, Baptist, Methodist, Pentacostal, charismatic, simple church, house church, etc). It’s the only way to survive on the mean streets of Christendom.

Hello, Brother! This is the day that the Lord has made! There was a disturbance in the heavenlies this morning, but hallelujah I had a check in my spirit and did warfare with my prayer language and tore down that principality. Can I get an Amen on that? I can’t wait to lift up praise as incense in His nostrils this morning at church. We’re really gonna get a download aren’t we! God is good! (echo – “all the time”). All the time (echo – “God is good”)

It’s a good thing we have such a rich Christianese language. Otherwise, the uninitiated heathen population would be able to infiltrate our ranks and undermine our way of life. Imagine the chaos that would fall upon us if an unregenerate soul were to sneak into our secret gatherings and actually understand our covert messages. They would try to steal our ancient truths and propagate them outside of our control. And knowing how such zealots can be, they probably would not even give us credit.

If you are not yet fluent in Christianese, there is hope for you. I’ve put together a few tips to help you:

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