Live.Awake

Pet Peeve #24 – Cats

// August 22nd, 2008 // Family Life, Humor, Pet Peeves

No, not the play.  Though that may be pet peeve #23.  (Seriously.  If the play “Cats” doesn’t completely weird you out, then something has gone terribly wrong).  I’m talking about real cats.  You know, the ones that spend their first 3 weeks of life on this planet looking cute and adorable, and the next 10 years living as furry endentured servants of Satan.

Now some of you know that I have recently come into the possession of a cat.  Her name is Molly.  We got her free from some rednecks that already had 345 kittens in their little shack and just didn’t have any more room.  I was swindled by my daughters and their mother was in cahoots with them as well.  They promised that the litter box wouldn’t stink, the carpet wouldn’t get ripped to shreds, and the cat would be nice and sweet.  I’m such a stooge.  One bat of their eyelashes and pouty bottom lips and the room started to spin.  Next thing I know another warm body is hopping around my house whining and clawing at me because I’m not giving it enough love, affection, and name-brand food.

Why don’t I like cats?  Let me count the ways…

1. Claws. They are completely unnecessary for a cat that has never had to chase, or kill anything in order to eat.  Yet for some reason, my cat is convinced that my couch and my bare legs are an antelope grazing on the African plains and the cat is a hungry lioness.   I’m told it’s inhumane to declaw a cat, so I’m thinking of removing it’s paws.
2. Teeth. Same logic as the problem with claws.  Only, these are harder to remove since most vets will not remove cat teeth without a substantial down payment.  And even then, it’s done by a guy name Leroy who also fights Pit Bulls in his back yard.
3. Molly the Ninja Cat. My kids occasionally wake up in the middle of the night wanting something like a glass of water, diaper change, etc.  Until the cat invaded my home this was a simple thing.  Now, I feel like Chuck Norris battling his way into the Octagon against all odds.  The house is dark, and I know the cat is lurking somewhere ready to pounce.  I am at a disadvantage because my human eyes cannot see far in the dark, nor do I know Karate.  Inevitably, as I’m stepping around the legos on the floor, Molly will pounce on my legs, raking her claws down my calf while she chomps down into my ankle with her demon teeth.  It’s like turning the crank on a jack-in-the-box only this clown pops up and scratches your eyes out.
4. “Kitty Litter” is just a marketing term for poo. And in case you didn’t know, poo STINKS.  Oh, don’t worry.  They’ve got it covered.  They invented this magic kitty litter crud that causes the cat pee to clump together in little piss-boulders.  This, apparently, is so that the fresh poo can cling to the hardened urine ball just long enough to fall onto the carpet as you try to throw it in the trash.  Luckily, the kitty litter is scented.  It allows the smell of the feces and urine to mingle with the smell of fake pine.  This way, you are forced to take a big wiff in order to identify the odd smell.  Ooo boy!  That’s a pleasant aroma.
5. Whining.  Whining is why God invented spanking. I’m also pretty sure it’s the real reason for the flood and therefore the invention of rain.  Whining was so annoying that God decided that smiting humanity with lightning the old fashioned way wasn’t going to make Him feel better.  It was time to invent rain.  I can relate because I now have a small creature that roams my house whining about things that only a cat could understand.  I don’t speak cat.  I have no idea why the cat is complaining.  Even if I could speak cat, I don’t think cats can be reasoned with anyway.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love my cat.  Not like a father loves a child (or the remote), but more like how everyone in “3’s Company” loved Mr. Roper.  In every episode, Mr. Roper would come around unexpected and foul things up for yet another of Jack’s foolhardy schemes.  He was Jack’s nemisis, but loveable at the same time.

If only I were Chuck Norris…

Technorati Tags: cats, claws, funny, youtube, chuck norris, cat lover, cat hater