I’m watching Johnny Mnemonic right now.  And I just don’t get it.  First, there’s the casting.  Keanu Reaves makes sense, I guess.  When you need a guy to act without personality, he’s your go-to guy.  But, Ice-T?  Isn’t he a rapper that moonlights on Law and Order?  His name makes no sense and has a hyphen in it, so he must be.

He makes me laugh when he’s not being funny.  That’s not a good sign.  He should do a movie with that other rapper/movie star with a funny name: Ice-Cube.  After all, you really can’t have Ice-T without Ice-Cube.

The thing that puzzles me about this movie is the whole premise.  We only use 10% of our brains, so they say.  Why not use the rest of the un-used space to traffic illegal information in an apocolyptic Mad Max world where all the buildings are rusting and everyone wears punk rocker clothes?  Makes sense, right?  Right?

Then there’s the random dolphin/brain hacker that can blow stuff up by shooting powerful brain waves out of a satellite dish attached to its head.  Don’t try to tell me that plot twist wasn’t conceived of after a few too many shots of tequila on a lonely night.

Then there was Tron.  Anyone remember that movie?  That was a movie that only Commodore64 geeks could understand (or want to).  Bruce Boxleitner and Jeff Bridges dancing around in neon blue suits with bike helmets in front of a blue screen for 90 minutes.  The video game was cool, though.

The Fountain was NUTS.  Look, I was an English major and I usually like quirky and trippy movies.  I actually cut this one off half way through because I was so lost and confused.  Seeing Hugh Jackman, in all his shaved head glory, hugging and kissing a tree and crying because it was somehow the same thing as his dying wife was enough to give me nightmares.  Well, not nightmares but I definitely got the heebie-jeebies.  Or was it the willies?  Which is worse: the heebie-jeebies or the willies?  Whichever is worse, that’s what Hugh Jackman gave me in this movie.

Memoirs of a Geisha was boring.  I didn’t get it because I didn’t care.  I tried to care, but I just didn’t have the self discipline to endure the pain.  It won an Oscar for “Most Character Building Film of the Year”.

From Justin to Kelly doesn’t have a difficult plot.  I just don’t understand whythis movie exists at all.  Why would a loving God allow such movies to exist?  It’s like watching a train wreck, only Kelly Clarkson is on the train singing about puppy love and kickin’ it with her girlfriends while Justin leans one arm out the window throwing a Malibu gang sign while showing us his huge teeth.

I’ll stop now or this post will turn into “Movies that Make Me Not Want to Ever Watch a Movie Again.”

Do you have any movies that you didn’t get?  Tell us in the comments.

Here’s one guy that would disagree with me about Tron.

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