I’m a native English speaker. I also speak a little bit of Spanglish.

Como se name? Me llamo is Ben. I gusto tacos. Donde esta el bathroom?

I’m also fluent in Christianese. Being a pastor’s kid, this was the first language that I learned. To this day, when I encounter a Christian native, I’m able to communicate with ease regardless of the dialect (Assembly of God, Baptist, Methodist, Pentacostal, charismatic, simple church, house church, etc). It’s the only way to survive on the mean streets of Christendom.

Hello, Brother! This is the day that the Lord has made! There was a disturbance in the heavenlies this morning, but hallelujah I had a check in my spirit and did warfare with my prayer language and tore down that principality. Can I get an Amen on that? I can’t wait to lift up praise as incense in His nostrils this morning at church. We’re really gonna get a download aren’t we! God is good! (echo - “all the time”). All the time (echo - “God is good”)

It’s a good thing we have such a rich Christianese language. Otherwise, the uninitiated heathen population would be able to infiltrate our ranks and undermine our way of life. Imagine the chaos that would fall upon us if an unregenerate soul were to sneak into our secret gatherings and actually understand our covert messages. They would try to steal our ancient truths and propagate them outside of our control. And knowing how such zealots can be, they probably would not even give us credit.

If you are not yet fluent in Christianese, there is hope for you. I’ve put together a few tips to help you:

1. Start by destroying all translations of the Bible other than the Authorized 1611 KJV. We call it “authorized” because this is the version that Jesus used.
2. You will not only be reading the KJV, but you must learn to pray in the King James English as well. All your prayers must sound like scripture being read by James Earl Jones.
3. Christianese is “caught” not “taught”. Watch the masters in action. TBN and The 500 Club are excellent places to start.
4. Never ever ever ask anyone what they mean by a certain phrase. No Christianese speaker is allowed to ever translate the language into heathen English. You are expected to learn by experience and intuition. If you don’t know what to say, compliment the person by saying, “You have such a sweet spirit.” It’s a magic phrase that will get you out of every awkward situation.
5. Learn your call-response phrases to avoid public embarrassment. If you get this wrong, you could be targeted in an altar call. PREACHER: “And all God’s people said?” YOU: “Amen” (not “yowza“). PREACHER: “How many here know that… (while gesturing with his hand for a show of hands)” YOU: Be careful. This could be the classic “rhetorical show of hands” move intended to expose false believers. Resist the reflex impulse to raise your hand. Watch the natives and follow their lead. It’s the only way to remain concealed.
6. Join a prayer team. It is a treasure trove of Christianese vocabulary. Intercessors are the literati of Christianese. They wield a command of the nuances of the language that most Christians never understand. They can combine ordinary words like “walls, standing, tearing, gathering, anointing, clouds, heavenlies, earth, wind, fire, rain, and eagles” in ways that will give you goosebumps even though you have no idea what just happened.

Let us all make an effort to become more fluent in this great and glorious language before it becomes lost and forgotten by “christians” that wear jeans, read ESV Bibles, and use the word “dude” while sipping a latte from a “save Darfur” mug.

Let us take care to never allow clear communication to become more important than preserving a religious air of mystery. After all, that’s just the way it’s done.

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