Live.Awake

Pet Peeve #28 – Checkout Lines

// March 28th, 2008 // Family Life, Humor, Pet Peeves

Do you ever go grocery shopping with your spouse? I try to avoid it at almost any cost. However, on rare occasions I am hoodwinked and bamboozled into walking around Food Lion with my wife and my 3 housebroken and tamed children. Owen is friendly and waves at everyone. That is, until a display comes within reach. Then he attempts to destroy and/or climb the displays like King Kong in NYC.

Eliana just climbs in and out of the cart showing off her monkey skills. That is, until she sees something sugary and/or pink on a shelf. Then all of a sudden she becomes a 2 year old Julia Child with deeply felt opinions about her dietary intake. If it has Dora on it, and she doesn’t injest it NOW then as far as I can tell she will surely die. The coroner will say, “Cause of death: malnutrition and emotional distress due to lack of Dora snack intake.”.

Kaitlyn just instructs us on the wealth of nutrition knowledge that she has acquired so far in her public school education. Things like, “Hey, Daddy. White bread is bad for you because it doesn’t have any color in it.”

But, the worst part of shopping as a couple is what ALWAYS happens in the checkout line. We wander back and forth looking at each line applying years of shopping experience and complex algorithms to determine which line will move the fastest. We always forget the natural law that says that no matter what line you pick, it will always be the slowest. And don’t think you can fool the checkout gods. You can’t pick a line and then derail and go to a different line at the last second. Whatever line you end up in, in the end will always be the slowest one. Don’t play games with the checkout gods, or they shall repay your mockery on Christmas Eve at WalMart while you fight a fat redneck sporting a mullet and a halter top for the last Tickle Me Elmo doll.

Once you get in line, your wife will choose to look at the shopping list for the first time. I don’t know why this is. It seems like there would be a better way to utilize a shopping list, but what do I know? She will look at the list and realize that she forgot the two things that you came to the store to get in the first place. Even though you have 2 sets of tires and a queen sized mattress in your cart, you really came to get milk and a loaf of bread. Then your wife will say, “Honey, stay in line. I forgot the milk and bread. I’ll be right back.”

At this moment, the checkout gods will start to laugh at you. Suddenly the checkout clerk will become competent, alert, efficient and speedy all at the same time. An extra bagger will appear to bag groceries twice as fast and a manager will come and give the clerk his master key and override password so that there is no waiting when the register decides to take a break. Even the old ladies will stop complaining and asking for price checks.

Suddenly, the thing you have been dreaming of, a fast moving checkout line, becomes your worst fear. Your heart rate jumps and you start to sweat. You start thinking crazy thoughts like “Maybe I should just get out of line.” In your head you start screaming psychic messages to your wife that if you said them out loud you would be nuts. Imagine screaming out loud, “Get the milk, woman! We’re not going to make it!” and saying it with the same urgency that you would if you were being chased by a giant squid. Not a good plan.

Then she appears ambling along like she’s taking a stroll on a spring day when she should be running like Forest Gump in Vietnam. And what happens when she gets back in line? The clerk goes on break to be replaced by a non-Englsih speaking trainee with no fingers. The guy in front of you decides to fight “the man” over 2 cents because “that just ain’t right”.

“Maybe we should jump over to that line over there, honey?”