What Not to Get Me for Christmas

// November 26th, 2007 // Humor

There are many things about growing up that are great. I’m not one of these people that says “I’ll never grow up”. I’ve grown up, and it’s awesome. It’s not boring and I’m not serious all the time. But, I’ll admit that the Christmas presents tend to decrease in greatest with each passing year. I remember when I first noticed it. I think I was about 15 years old. Every year, my uncle got us 3 brothers great gifts. My pocket knife fetish was begun by my uncle. He got man gifts. Gifts that we could tell that he had bought for us.

Then when I was about 15, I got a travel alarm clock and some socks. Dress socks, even. It was clear to all 3 of us what tragedy had occurred. My aunt had done the shopping that year. We knew that every year thereafter would be similar. We were growing up.

So, this year I’m going to make an attempt at heading off the bad gifts with a preemptive strike.

Before you give me the “Reason for the Season” speech. Pipe down. Relax. Enjoy my sense of humor. I’ll do a serious post about Christmas and how materialism makes me angry a little later. Like closer to Christmas.

Some of My Least Favorite Things…

  1. Nunchucks. I’m already a danger to myself and others. No need to give me weapons intended for people with good eye-hand coordination.
  2. Anything involving clowns. Clowns are not cute and they aren’t at all funny. They’re scary, disturbing, and frankly a little creepy. There’s a reason why The Joker is the most infamous Batman villain in history. He looks like a clown.
  3. Underwear. Do you really think anyone wants that mental image on Christmas morn? If you get me underwear for Christmas, I will re-gift them back to you next year. Only slightly faded.
  4. Joint gifts for me and Heather that are clearly intended for Heather. Like scrap booking tools. Or a purse. Look, I love my wife enough to be genuinely excited for her when she gets a gift and I don’t. Really. Don’t trick me into getting excited about a gift for “me” when it’s a make-up kit.
  5. Items meant to be not-so-subtle hints about personal flaws. ie. back shaving kit, book entitled “How to Stop Being a Jerk”, membership in the “breath mint of the week” club, public speaking lessons, etc. These kinds of gifts only confuse me because I’m too socially obtuse to get the point.
  6. Anything with Santa on it. Santa won’t be coming by our house this year.
  7. Anything that requires feeding, watering, or daily maintenance. All animals should be dead and marinated before wrapping.

Do you have anything to add to the list?

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8 Responses to “What Not to Get Me for Christmas”. Gravatars are enabled.

  1. Gail Davis says:
    November 28, 2007 at 1:39 pm

    Hi Ben and Heather,

    Charlie and I really missed you while you were gone, but we are glad that you had the chance to get away.

    This blog made me laugh!! I must say that you, Ben, break all my images of a pastor, thank God!! You touch my spirit in a way that God can speak to me, but you touch my soul and make me laugh! I tend to take life way too seriously, maybe to the suffering point. I realize that I need Charlie and now you to make me laugh and see the ” rest of the story”.

    See you tonight.

    Love ya!

    Gail

    Reply
  2. Soleil says:
    November 28, 2007 at 6:53 pm

    It’s nice to read from one of the guys. I don’t know anybody from this blog carnival group but I just joined in and post mine.

    I really find it funny especially for joint gifts you received for you and your wife, my husband experiences that all the time. But maybe its because its easier to pick up a gift for a woman especially if the one who buys it is a woman also.

    Nice and funny list

    Reply
  3. ded says:
    November 28, 2007 at 8:51 pm

    I keep wondering if the picture for the post is Ben with a knot jerked in his head by some fan of Santa Claus.

    Reply
  4. Sarah @ Real Life says:
    November 28, 2007 at 11:20 pm

    Ha! Ded! It was a Santa Claus zealot! I have one in my family who was OUTRAGED that we told our kids the truth about Santa.

    Reply
  5. Ben Cotten says:
    November 29, 2007 at 5:05 pm

    I’m surprised my kids haven’t ruined the entire neighborhood’s Christmas by now… ;-)

    Reply
  6. ded says:
    November 29, 2007 at 6:40 pm

    One year I was feeling…a bit of rage against the system maybe. I put up a bulletin board at the Christian school of Santa and his reindeer backlit by a full moon with a MX missile firing toward him. I furthered the joke at home by mumbling, “Santa’s a bum,” in response to any commercial with his visage on the tube. Amicably, I might add. One day in the grocery store, a sweet little old lady took an interest in Anna, then about four years old, sitting in the buggy. She leaned over to this innocnet little angel and said, “What’s Santa going to bring you, Honey?” To which the little angel immediately and sweetly responded, “Santa’s a bum.” I realized I may have taken my personal belief a little too far. ;^)

    Reply
  7. Ben Cotten says:
    November 29, 2007 at 7:09 pm

    LOL! That may be the best story of its kind that I’ve heard!

    Heather always tells the story about her brother, Nathaniel, making the neighbors cry by telling them Santa wasn’t real. His Mom still talks about the nasty phone calls from angry parents.

    Reply
  8. Jan says:
    December 3, 2007 at 11:10 am

    When Zack was three he made up a magnificent song called “Santa Claus is Dead” and proceeded to sing it as we strolled through the aisles at K-Mart or in the Boone Mall. People would hear this little boy singing with all of his heart and look at me smiling, “Aw, isn’t that sweet?” until they realized what he was actually singing and their smile turned to looks of absolute horror!!

    Reply

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