What Not to Get Me for Christmas
There are many things about growing up that are great. I’m not one of these people that says “I’ll never grow up”. I’ve grown up, and it’s awesome. It’s not boring and I’m not serious all the time. But, I’ll admit that the Christmas presents tend to decrease in greatest with each passing year. I remember when I first noticed it. I think I was about 15 years old. Every year, my uncle got us 3 brothers great gifts. My pocket knife fetish was begun by my uncle. He got man gifts. Gifts that we could tell that he had bought for us.
Then when I was about 15, I got a travel alarm clock and some socks. Dress socks, even. It was clear to all 3 of us what tragedy had occurred. My aunt had done the shopping that year. We knew that every year thereafter would be similar. We were growing up.
So, this year I’m going to make an attempt at heading off the bad gifts with a preemptive strike.
Some of My Least Favorite Things…
- Nunchucks. I’m already a danger to myself and others. No need to give me weapons intended for people with good eye-hand coordination.
- Anything involving clowns. Clowns are not cute and they aren’t at all funny. They’re scary, disturbing, and frankly a little creepy. There’s a reason why The Joker is the most infamous Batman villain in history. He looks like a clown.
- Underwear. Do you really think anyone wants that mental image on Christmas morn? If you get me underwear for Christmas, I will re-gift them back to you next year. Only slightly faded.
- Joint gifts for me and Heather that are clearly intended for Heather. Like scrap booking tools. Or a purse. Look, I love my wife enough to be genuinely excited for her when she gets a gift and I don’t. Really. Don’t trick me into getting excited about a gift for “me” when it’s a make-up kit.
- Items meant to be not-so-subtle hints about personal flaws. ie. back shaving kit, book entitled “How to Stop Being a Jerk”, membership in the “breath mint of the week” club, public speaking lessons, etc. These kinds of gifts only confuse me because I’m too socially obtuse to get the point.
- Anything with Santa on it. Santa won’t be coming by our house this year.
- Anything that requires feeding, watering, or daily maintenance. All animals should be dead and marinated before wrapping.
Do you have anything to add to the list?
Technorati Tags: Christmas, gift, gift ideas
Categorized as Random/Humor
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