The Disney Channel marketing machine is impressive, from a purely business perspective. They have perfected the art of capturing the pre-teen demographic’s attention and getting them obsessed with the latest actor/singer/model/rock star/fashion designer/dancer. Watching Disney Channel is like reading one of those magazines that are nothing but ads. Even the articles are thinly concealed ways to advertise for various products. You can spend 2 hours reading it, and not come away with anything more than a strange desire to go buy Paris Hilton’s latest fragrance. The constant promotion (and cross promotion from other shows) of the latest star is insane!

My oldest daughter is currently into Hannah Montana. I don’t mind this one too much. Mylie Cyrus (the actress behind Hannah Montana) professes to be a Christian and makes clear efforts to promote modesty, respect of her parents, family values, etc. Who knows what will happen as her career moves along, but for now she’ll do. I guess we’ll have to wait and see how much of her soul belongs to Disney as time goes on. Check out her site at disneychannel.com, if you can stand it. You’ll see what I mean. It’s like being punched in the face.

So, in honor of Hannah Montana mania I’m going to give you my predictions on three of the next big Disney Channel stars. Hannah Montana, watch out. These could be your competition very soon.

• Florida Frankie - He is a Cuban immigrant living in Florida. His latin roots give him rhythm and his dancing ability. He has been adopted by rich white people so he lives like Ricky Schroeder on “Silver Spoons”. The girls like him because he is cute and sings pre-teen puppy love songs, and the boys like him because he has gadgets and lots of free time to catch petty criminals played by actors that just got fired from the Star Trek Voyager set.
• Sarah, Sally and Sam - These are 3 kids from a blended family. Even though they all came from different marriages, their names still kinda rhyme and they all look alike. Sarah is her Dad’s first daughter from his first marriage while in the Navy. Sally is her Mom’s 3rd child from her second marriage. The older 2 kids are grown and occasionally come by to give her “cool” advice. It’s unclear how Sam is related, but we are pretty sure he’s adopted and related to Florida Frankie. They have little in common with each other except that they love to sing and dance together in perfect harmony. All of them, including Sam, sound just like Hannah Montana when they sing.
• 4 Dads and a Rock Star - there are 4 men in a New York apartment. One of them has a son. We aren’t told about Mom at all, but’s that’s a minor detail. We also aren’t told which one is the real Dad. Joey is the son, and he loves Jimmy Hendrix. His Dad’s are all rock musicians and raised him to love “Purple Haze”. Joey is mysterious like James Dean, but tender hearted on the inside. He writes songs about love and loss and the pursuit of happiness. Though he is only 13 years old, he has already lived a lifetime. Occasionally, Hannah Montana visits and encourages him to keep pursuing his dream of becoming a famous rock star. If he will only believe in himself, one day he too can be a drug addicted, angst ridden, alcoholic guitar jockey touring the small bars of the US fending off the flying beer bottles and buck knives being thrown at him while he plays, “Baby, Oh Baby, You’re eyes are like the Stars”.

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