How to Sell a House in Over 6 Months

// September 19th, 2007 // Humor

Home For SaleAnybody can sell a house in 30 days. Put out a sign, hire an agent, clean the toilets and you’re set. But it takes real skill to make the sale of your house drag on an on for months on end. If you too would like to drag out the adventure of selling your home, then this is the post for you!

I’m going to reveal my secret tips to you, my loyal readers, free of charge (for a limited time, restrictions apply. Success varies depending on location, market fluctuations, intelligence and the direction of the wind. Ben Cotten cannot be held liable if these tips fail and a client sells a home quickly).

  • Make sure that your children play in the front yard every day wearing nothing but their socks and overloaded diapers. Add in a homemade Slip ‘n Slide and a mud pit if you have the time. When prospective buyers drive by to see the house, they will hold off on purchasing your home because the kids are having so much fun.
  • Landscaping is for people with no imagination. Prospective buyers want to be able to imagine their own bushes, trees, and grass in your yard. If you already have a beautiful lawn, they will say “Gee, this is disappointing. There’s nothing for us to do if we move here. Let’s keep looking.” I suggest letting the grass and other greenery die so that there is nothing left but a dome of dust and fire ants feasting on dead birds that flew too close.

  • Buyers love a good mystery. Never place your for sale signs in obvious places. That’s not fun for people looking for your house. Leave them clues like writing on street signs with black permanent marker something like “Just a little farther.” By the time they make it to your house, they will be having so much fun they won’t want it to end.
  • The decor of your home needs to be personalized since you won’t be there to tell the buyers how special your home is. I suggest using life size cardboard cutouts of you and your family in each room with thought bubbles saying something like, “This is where little Suzie threw up on the carpet after eating too much chicken tetrazinni. Don’t worry, the dresser covers the stain nicely.” Or in the bathroom, a cutout of Dad saying, “This is a great bathroom. Plenty of room here for me to change my bandages from my chronic bleeding and open sores.”
  • When buyers enter your home, they should be greeted by homey aromas that make them think of good things. Some folks suggest an apple pie, baked bread, etc. Those are all nice, if you want the buyer to greedily snatch up your home by making an offer right away. I suggest a more subtle approach. Cook some fish, chitlins and cabbage in a large pot and leave it warm on the stove. The aroma will be a complex and intriguing feast for the senses.
  • If you do get an offer on your house, don’t just accept it willy nilly. Now it’s time to negotiate. Some standard things to require as part of the deal are:
    1. they cannot ever change the color of the walls. You spent too much time painting them hunter orange to have it painted over by some yuppie with no appreciation for color.
    2. You have the right to stay with them anytime you come back through town to visit old friends.
    3. They will not press charges, no matter what they find under the house or in the walls.
  • My final tip is perhaps the most important. You must treat all prospective buyers with that “personal touch”. If they feel that you are looking out for them, they will be much more likely to really think through their decision instead of recklessly offering you money. I suggest doing a little research on Google about them before hand. Then leave a little personalized note for them when they enter the house. It should read something like this:

    Dear Frank and Suzie Johnson (SS# 234-87-0967 and 234-45-3758): Welcome to our home! Even though your criminal record indicates some “water under the bridge”, Frank, we trust you! You guys sure reported a lot on your taxes last year. Wow. You must make good money! Suzie, I hope your ad on the online personals works out. You guys must have a very open relationship!

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