How to Sell a House in Over 6 Months
// September 19th, 2007 // Humor
Anybody can sell a house in 30 days. Put out a sign, hire an agent, clean the toilets and you’re set. But it takes real skill to make the sale of your house drag on an on for months on end. If you too would like to drag out the adventure of selling your home, then this is the post for you!
I’m going to reveal my secret tips to you, my loyal readers, free of charge (for a limited time, restrictions apply. Success varies depending on location, market fluctuations, intelligence and the direction of the wind. Ben Cotten cannot be held liable if these tips fail and a client sells a home quickly).
- Make sure that your children play in the front yard every day wearing nothing but their socks and overloaded diapers. Add in a homemade Slip ‘n Slide and a mud pit if you have the time. When prospective buyers drive by to see the house, they will hold off on purchasing your home because the kids are having so much fun.
- Landscaping is for people with no imagination. Prospective buyers want to be able to imagine their own bushes, trees, and grass in your yard. If you already have a beautiful lawn, they will say “Gee, this is disappointing. There’s nothing for us to do if we move here. Let’s keep looking.” I suggest letting the grass and other greenery die so that there is nothing left but a dome of dust and fire ants feasting on dead birds that flew too close.
- Buyers love a good mystery. Never place your for sale signs in obvious places. That’s not fun for people looking for your house. Leave them clues like writing on street signs with black permanent marker something like “Just a little farther.” By the time they make it to your house, they will be having so much fun they won’t want it to end.
- The decor of your home needs to be personalized since you won’t be there to tell the buyers how special your home is. I suggest using life size cardboard cutouts of you and your family in each room with thought bubbles saying something like, “This is where little Suzie threw up on the carpet after eating too much chicken tetrazinni. Don’t worry, the dresser covers the stain nicely.” Or in the bathroom, a cutout of Dad saying, “This is a great bathroom. Plenty of room here for me to change my bandages from my chronic bleeding and open sores.”
- When buyers enter your home, they should be greeted by homey aromas that make them think of good things. Some folks suggest an apple pie, baked bread, etc. Those are all nice, if you want the buyer to greedily snatch up your home by making an offer right away. I suggest a more subtle approach. Cook some fish, chitlins and cabbage in a large pot and leave it warm on the stove. The aroma will be a complex and intriguing feast for the senses.
- If you do get an offer on your house, don’t just accept it willy nilly. Now it’s time to negotiate. Some standard things to require as part of the deal are:
- they cannot ever change the color of the walls. You spent too much time painting them hunter orange to have it painted over by some yuppie with no appreciation for color.
- You have the right to stay with them anytime you come back through town to visit old friends.
- They will not press charges, no matter what they find under the house or in the walls.
- My final tip is perhaps the most important. You must treat all prospective buyers with that “personal touch”. If they feel that you are looking out for them, they will be much more likely to really think through their decision instead of recklessly offering you money. I suggest doing a little research on Google about them before hand. Then leave a little personalized note for them when they enter the house. It should read something like this:
Dear Frank and Suzie Johnson (SS# 234-87-0967 and 234-45-3758): Welcome to our home! Even though your criminal record indicates some “water under the bridge”, Frank, we trust you! You guys sure reported a lot on your taxes last year. Wow. You must make good money! Suzie, I hope your ad on the online personals works out. You guys must have a very open relationship!
Technorati Tags: home buying, home selling, real estate, marketing, funny, advice, tips
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I suggest Indian food for the aroma, nothing like curry in the morning! And the smell lingers for years! (as a former realtor, I can testify to the lasting impression this makes)
[...] Language Winner: Ben Cotten’s How to Sell a House in Over 6 Months over on the Live.awake blog. This post had all of the elements that I look for. It was [...]
[...] winner was a much-deserved Ben Cotten who wrote the very funny post-I-wish-I-had-thought-of on How to Sell a House in Over 6 Months. Somehow, the judges felt my post on Property Inspections (which took “a close second” [...]
And if you want to sell your home, make sure the contract clearly states, “AS IS”, the leaking roof, sagging foundation, and dilapidated fence will be left for you the homebuyer to enjoy. Some people might call these items defective, we think they are character building items in our home.
[...] Language Winner: ‘How to Sell a House in Over 6 Months’ by Ben [...]
WOW! You won the Carnival of Real Estate!!? Congratulations!!
LOL what a brilliant post ;) I especially liked the cut-out people part. Buyers apparently do lack of imagination!
Cheers,
Cindy
I have a few additional suggestions.
Shadow the buyers through every room in the house and tell them the “story” of each paint color, curtain, and what you would have done to that corner if you weren’t selling. When you share with them how you service the furnace annually, do it in a gregorian chant. Be a strong finisher. When they are out of the house and walking down your driveway, share your personal life with them for another 10 minutes before they get into the car. Bond.
People appreciate something they had to “earn.” When you get the call asking for a noon showing on Saturday, play hard to get. Even if you don’t have plans, go back and forth with your agent and the buyer agent for a few rounds of calls before finally settling on a 1:30 pm showing. Blame it on the kids’ soccer schedule.
A little Certificate of Occupancy drama spices up even the dullest transaction. Don’t disclose that the shed in the corner of the back yard is too close to the property line; that’s what title work is for. Draw it along by telling your agent that you thought that the thing was grandfathered in or that you thought the previous owner had a variance.
You have a right to feedback, so don’t let moss grow after a showing. Call your agent as soon as they leave the house on their cell for feedback. Don’t mail it in; ask numerous & specific questions.
Sam…
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Ben, you have got it down to a fine art.
Your first and most important step was in selling with an agent. This is truly one of the most important pieces of the puzzle and almost by itself ensures that the sale will be protracted ( a stroke of genius)
I used to work for a real estate agency and it was the largest in my country. We were instructed that upon taking enquiry over the phone, we were not under any conditions alowed to give out details of either the address or the price.
I think I was allowed to mention the state that the property was for sale in,however since I quit working for the agency rather soon the memory dims about that marketing powerhouse.
If the unthinkable does happen and an agent somehow gets a nibble from a buyer then at all costs ask for more money….that oughta do the trick
[...] How to Sell a House in Over 6 Months – For a little humor, Ben Cotton provides you with a tutorial on an unconventional methodology for the industry. [...]
Nice coverage on selling a home. The highlighted points really tied together.
Hello again Ben. It’s Andrew from PropertyNow in Australia and I have some very disconcerting news.
Despite all the sage advice you gave in your earnest effort to help people sell their own home I have to report that some of our clients are not heeding your words.
I have heard tell that some of them have even resorted to doing spring cleaning ( in winter no less ) ….and the more misguided ones have even broken the real estate code and rung back the prospects the same day.
I wondered if you would be prepared to counsel these poor souls about the etiquette of selling before they make a mockery of the industry and achieve a swift hassle free sale.
You're very creative on selling your house. These ideas will surely drive lots of prospective buyers.
oh my gosh Ben!!! You are so funny. I am sending this to my Realtor.