Live.Awake

Certified Marriage Advice

// June 6th, 2007 // Family Life, Humor

Love is a battle field. Full of challenges. But marriage is the best thing in the world. It may be hard work, but it’s FUN work too. Learning to laugh at and with each other is essential.

Since I’m about to be a pastor, I’m sure I’ll be doing lots of marriage counseling. In anticipation of that, I’d like to take a moment to share some thoughts that perhaps will head some of the most common marriage-related issues off at the pass. This will keep my schedule clear to leave time for doing what we all know pastors do during the week: nursing a new golfing habit, napping, watching sports highlights, teaching my kids to be quiet, and carefully removing anything interesting or humorous from my sermons.

My Advice to Husbands:

1. She doesn’t want you to do the dishes. She wants you to want to do the dishes. Nevermind the fact that she is asking you to do the dishes because she does NOT want to do them and knows that no one on the planet WANTS to do dishes. She is your wife and she is allowed expected to make irrational requests of you without explanation.
2. You’re wrong. Very, very wrong. This is why God made Eve. She was right, he was wrong. Learn to repent, and do it often. The following mantra was passed down to me from my father, and his father before him. I call it a “Repentance Template”: “I’m wrong, you’re right, I’m sorry and I’ll never do it again.” Repeat that phrase to your wife (with feeling) daily even when you are not aware of any recent wrongdoing. You’re probably wrong about that too.
3. Whether or not she actually does have a headache is irrelevant. Go to sleep.
4. No matter how much she says that she wants you to be yourself around her, this does not include breaking wind, scratching, belching and cleaning between your toes with Q-tips. Doing these things around her will guarantee that she will have a headache every evening for the rest of your natural life.
5. Never ask any questions about the following topics (this is why God invented Google): breast feeding, feminine hygiene, why women go to the bathroom in herds, the contents of her purse, the difference between the expensive makeup and the Wal-Mart stuff, or why she took out 2 more life insurance policies on you and bought all that rat poison.

My Advice to Wives:

1. Stop throwing away those old shirts that your husband likes to wear on Saturday afternoons. Unless you enjoy watching him frantically dig through the garbage at the curb at 7am in front of the neighbors, leave it be.
2. Stop asking him if those pants make your hips look big, or if that shirt makes one arm look shorter than the other. Those questions will frighten even the toughest man like a cornered kitten. No matter what his answer is, he will be wrong (see above). Use the phone, call your girlfriend. That’s what you’re going to do anyway.
3. No man likes talking on the phone for long periods of time. They did it when you were dating because they had no choice. Didn’t you fake interest in his fishing or video games or pez dispenser collection? It’s not you, it’s the testosterone. The President of the US could call and he would be bored within the first 20 seconds. Unless you have been away from each other for a while, get on the phone, tell him why you called, get your business taken care of, lovey lovey, kissy kissy, then get off the phone. He likes snuggling with you, just not over the telephone.
4. Sweat pants are never sexy. They remind him of his hairy-lipped high school gym teacher. Only wear them to bed when you want him to be the one with the headache.
5. Start every morning by rolling over in bed, giving him a kiss and telling him that you forgive him. He won’t say, “For what?”. He’ll just say thank you.

[tags]marriage, advice, family, husband, wife, list[/tags]