How to Know if You are Getting Old
*** Inspired by true events. Only the names (and a few minor-ish details) have been changed to protect the “innocent” ***
I’m no expert on old age. I get closer to it everyday, but so far old age has eluded me. I’m 31. I’m in that strange and quiet foyer between youthful bliss and elderly incontenance. My parents, however, are getting old. (Sorry Mom and Dad. It’s time you knew. I know you don’t believe me, and that’s understandable.) The sypmtoms are all there if you know what to look for.
That’s why I’m writing this article. Think of this as a Public Service Announcement for Geriatric Awareness.
Allow me to educate you, erudite SoapBox reader, on three of the signs of old age…
1. Patient often states obvious facts as though they are new, exciting, and revelatory observations.
Mack and Gloriana are driving down a country lane in their yacht-sized Lincoln Towncar. They could have taken the Interstate to get to their destination in 30 minutes, but they decided to take the 7 hour scenic route through Deliverance country.
As they creep along the dirt road, Gloriana looks out the passenger-side window and exclaims with delight, “Oh, look Mack! It’s a fence!” Mack turns his head to look at what his wife has discovered. “Huh. Looks like a wooden fence. Yep. That’s wood alright.” They continue driving. Suddenly, Gloriana squeals with glee and points wildly out in front of the car yelling, “Look! Look, Mack!” The car slams to a halt in the road and Mack responds,
“Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle! It’s a leafy bush!”
“No, not the bush. Look NEXT to the bush! Look next to the bush!”, she exclaims.
“Oh, I see it! You’re right! It’s a mossy rock! You know, that moss sure is green.
“Sure is. VERY green.”
2. Patient becomes unconcerned with social norms for behavior and general politeness. This can cause great embarrasment to family and friends.
Gloriana and her good friend Boddie are sitting on the back porch sipping lemonade that smells suspiciously of alcohol.
Gloriana: “Look at that! My knee’s swollen up the size of a grapefruit!”
Boddie: “Yep. Mine too. Looks like a storm’s comin’.”
Gloriana: “Uh huh. By the looks of your knee, could be a big one.”
Boddie: “Yep, you can see my pulse in it right there. I guess we better get to WalMart and get our pain meds before the rain starts.”
They arrive at WalMart to discover a busy and chaotic parking lot. There’s isn’t a handicapped space left, so they pull the Lincoln crookedly into the fire lane marked by yellow paint. “They won’t mind,” Gloriana says, “They know me here.” They both hobble out of the car and inch their way towards the entrance.
They enter the store and discover that there is only one motorized cart left. “Oohhhh, Fiddle-EE-dee!” exclaims Gloriana. “Boddie, I guess we’ll have to double-up like last time. You want the handlebars this time?”
Just then another woman on a motor-cart comes speeding by them and out the door to the parking lot. Boddie and Gloriana look at each other knowingly, “Take her DOWN, Gloriana!” shouts Boddie. Before the words are out of Boddie’s mouth, Gloriana has the cart out the door in hot pursuit. The old lady in the rogue cart looks back to see Gloriana hot on her heels, leaning into the turn hair waving in the wind.
Gloriana shouts: “Give it up, lady! The cart is mine!”
“Neveerrr!” she retorts.
Just then, seemingly from nowhere, Boddie steps in front of the fleeing cart and shouts, “STOP!” The stranger stops her cart, and Boddie says,”There’s a GREAT sale going on over at the pharmacy on the “super tubs” of Metamucil.” The old lady shouts with glee, jumps from the cart, gets in her Lincoln and speeds off. Boddie hops into the now vacant seat of the cart and they head for the store.
Gloriana: “You didn’t have to do that, you know. A few more seconds and I would have taken her down.”
Boddie: “Yep. I’m sure you would have.”
Gloriana: “I do need some Metamucil. Maybe we can stop by the pharmacy on the way home.”
3. When the patient is in an embarrassing situation, he/she either makes it worse or simply doesn’t even notice.
“I’m here for a stool sample”, Boddie says to the receptionist.
“Have you deposited with us before?” she replies.
“Am I in the right place? I have poo not cash.”
“Yes, Ma’am. Have you already collected the sample or do you need to do that here?”
“Oh, it isn’t my poo. It’s from a friend.”
“Oh, yes Ma’am. (grimmacing) Is that it there in the tupperware container?”
“Of course not! That’s perfectly good TUPPERWARE, honey!” Reaching into her giant purse, “I have it here in this Ziploc baggy.”
As Boddie hands the clear bag containing the sample over to the receptionist, the receptionist says, “Oh dear! Ok. Ok. Ok. Now, let’s not put it there.”
“Well, where should I put it? I don’t have a lot of time. It’s about to rain.”
“Umm. Ok, usually we don’t take samples in containers like this but I guess it’s ok.”
“Honey, it’s Ziploc. Haven’t you seen the commercials where the guy turns the thing upside down?”
“Alright! Alright! PLEASE don’t try that! I’ll take it back for you.”
The receptionist takes the sandwich bag gingerly between two fingers and runs into the back of the office. As Boddie is leaving the office, you can hear roars of laughter coming from behind the closed doors of the lab.
“These people sure do enjoy their job. I’d hate it… handling other people’s poo all day.” she says to herself.
Technorati Tags: old, age, elderly, geriatrics, humor, tips, retirement
Categorized as Random/Humor
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