Live.Awake

Breaking and Entering with Intent to Egg

// March 1st, 2007 // Humor

Ever do something stupid? I don’t mean, “Oops! I forgot to put on deodorant this morning” kind of stupid. I’m talking ruin your life and get killed trying kind of stupid. The kind of stupid that I am capable of would make the average Naked Sky Diving athelete shudder in horror and make people who buy “Miracle Cure Magnetic Bracelets” on the Home Shopping Network look like sensible and grounded pillars of society. If you’ve spent much time in the “humor” section of my blog, you believe me. All that I can hope is that other stupid people will read this blog and become less stupid as a result. Stupid is running rampant in our society, and someone has to do something!

One of the more stupid (or is it stupider?) things I’ve done in my life happened when I was 16. Everyone is stupid at age 16. It’s a requirement. I’m pretty sure they won’t even give you a driver’s license until you’ve proven that you are a complete numbskull with no respect for life and limb. I had been given a driver’s license and had been fully inducted into the auspicious society of “stupid punk teenagers”. And I had a friend. He was Grade A stupid. He was the stupid that I aspired to one day become. He made stupid look easy.

One evening, I had convinced my parents that it would be a good idea for me to spend the night at his house. Now, I don’t know why they let me go. They knew that I was a teenager who had been given a driver’s license. One would think that parents would lock their licensed teenagers in padded rooms, but they don’t. They let them run free like a pack of free range chickens. But, for some reason my otherwise intelligent and wise parents released me into the wild. Now they wish they hadn’t.

My friend’s name was Chris. I’ve mentioned him before. He’s the one that thought it would be a good idea to “keep the campfire warm“. We were staying at his house for the night and his parents had left for the evening. And we were bored. We were unsupervised and bored. And very stupid. You almost can’t fault us for the events that followed.

Chris: “Watcha wanna do?”
Me: “I dunno. Whatever.”
Chris: “We have eggs.”
Me: “Cool.”

I’m pretty sure that was the extent of our thought process. So, we grabbed as many eggs as we could carry from the fridge and set out for the woods. Chris lived in a large neighborhood with a big wooded area in the center. It was a great place to hide and watch. We sat in the dark, surveying the neighboring streets looking for a first target.

It was hard to know where to start. We settled on a trash can by the street. We both stepped out into the street, took aim and let fly. Both eggs hit the can with a loud crack. It was exhilerating! We both looked at each other with giant grins on our faces. We were inspired.

Chris: “What’s next! What’s next!”
Me: “How ’bout that car.”
Chris: “Nah.”
Me: “How ’bout the lawn mower over there.”
Chris: “Nah.”
Me: “I know, how about that front door?”
Chris: “Now yer talkin’!”

We stepped forward to the front door of this stranger’s house, cocked our arms back and fired at will. Both of us threw 2 eggs each. It was glorious! The sound! The mess! It was like getting your stupid fix intravenously! We both ran back to the woods giggling like little school girls on “Bring Your Fav Barbie to School” day. Now we were hooked. We were becoming addicted to stupid and the only thing to do was increase the dosage. We needed a better target.

We huddled together looking at the back yard. It was fenced in all around with a gate at the back. I could just make out the dog sleeping quietly in the screened-in back porch. Chris had assured me that the dog would not be permanently injured by the eggs, but I still wasn’t too sure. My adrenaline was still pumping into my brain and mixing with my adolescent stupidity so I agreed to take point.

The plan seemed pretty good to me. Chris would hold the screen door open while I pelted the unsuspecting mutt with our last 2 eggs. Then we would flee for home. We reached the porch door. I could see through a window by the door into the living room where a man was sitting in a plush recliner watching late-night tv. He seemed to be sleeping. I whispered to Chris, “You hold the door and watch him inside. If he gets up, tap me on the shoulder.” Chris nodded.

Chris slowly opened the door while watching through the window in case the man inside got up to investigate. I was focussed on the dog, afraid he would wake up and eat me. Chris finally got the door completely open and I raised the first egg in the air preparing to fire the first round. That’s when I heard a noise behind me.

I froze and craned my head around to see. All I could see was Chris running like the wind. He was already half way across the back yard sprinting for the woods. He wasn’t even looking back. Just running full tilt for the gate at the end of the yard. I stood in disbelief, wondering what he was running from. He had not tapped my shoulder or said anything, so I just stood there watching him run. I was still holding the egg in the air in ready position. I turned to complete the mission without my partner.

When I turned back to my target all I saw was a gray shirt. I followed the buttons of the shirt up to find the face of a very angry and very suprised man. In my memory, the man was a giant (though he probably wasn’t much bigger than me at the time). All I remember of that moment was him yelling something ugly and mean and reaching for me like he was going to grab me by the throat. I screamed in panic and did the only thing I could to slow him down.

The egg hit him square in the nose.

It splattered yellow and white goo all over his face and shirt. He was completely shocked. I don’t think he had seen the egg in my hand and in the split second that it took him to register what had just hit him, I was gone. Like the wind. I looked back and he was pursuing me the best he could. I had some distance on him so I tossed my other egg his way for good luck. It crashed against the ground a few feet in front of him which only made him angrier. I hit the woods at full speed and disappeared.

Chris was hiding in a ditch and grabbed me as I ran by. We hid for a moment to ensure the man was no longer following. We could hear him screaming into the woods in the distance as we made our way home. Moments after safely making it inside, a police car came slowly down Chris’ road searching the woods with a flood light. I can only imagine what would have happened to us had the police caught us, or even worse had the man been a gun owner or a faster runner.

So let this be a warning to you. Eggs and stupidity don’t mix. Egg responsibly.

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