Tips for Looking Busy
// December 28th, 2006 // Humor
It’s the week between Christmas and New Years. Many of us are not lucky enough to have accrued 12 years of vacation time, so we have to work these few days while our coworkers sleep in and watch “Sponge Bob” reruns all day in their boxer shorts. We’re missing out on that great and terrible feeling when you notice the clock for the first time at 3pm. That moment when you say to yourself, “You’re such a slacker. You have been on this couch for 6 hours. As soon as I take a nap, I’m going to get up, shake the cobwebs out and move to the recliner.”
I’ve worked in several places in my life ranging from blue collar to white collar and it’s all the same in this regard. Being at work during this week is like waiting for your wife to decide which blue shirt looks less “clunky in the middle” while you sit in the “man-waiting-for-wife” chair at the department store. You know the one. That chair that sits right outside the ladies changing room. In my entire life I have NEVER seen a woman sitting in that chair. If you don’t believe me, look closer and you will see carved into the wooden arm of that chair small hash marks counting the days similar to what you would find in “the hole” at Alcatraz.
Out of the several hundred employees at my company, I’d say there are about 10 of them at work this week. One of them is me. None of us have anything to do. I’ve cleaned my office 4 times. My inbox is empty (and dusted). My boss is here, but he says, “there’s no point in starting anything today. Just use this week to get caught up. That’s what I’m doing.” Apparently his idea of “getting caught up” is honing his Quake III gaming skills on the company network because that’s all I’ve seen him do all day.
Over the years, I’ve come up with several survival techniques for this perilous week. Here they are in no particular order:
- When walking anywhere, walk quickly and with purpose. Don’t amble slowly staring at the ceiling with your hands in your pockets. Carry something in your hand that looks official. A newspaper or magazine doesn’t count.
- When in the bathroom, mute the sound on your cell phone. You don’t want your boss in the stall next to you to know that you are playing Tetris.
- Be careful when getting up from the toilet after long stays in the bathroom playing Tetris. Your legs may have fallen asleep. The last thing you want is to leave the bathroom limping awkwardly with a painful expression on your face.
- If you do stand up too quickly and find that you cannot feel your feet, DO NOT drop your cell phone. It is a proven law of physics that cell phones, keys, and Barbie heads are attracted to the strong magnetic pull of a toilet.
- If anyone asks you if you are busy, always answer by shaking your head with exasperation and exclaim aloud, “Am I busy? Hah!” Despite the fact that this is not an answer, they will assume you are busy and they will wonder why they have nothing to do themselves. Later you can go by their office, and say “Boy, it’s crazy today! I don’t know how you stay so calm.”
- Don’t be “Wandering Wally”. You all know him. Every office has one. He’s the guy with the coffee cup always in his hand. He likes to wander around the office looking for someone to tell about his latest attempt at building a time machine in his garage. He walks very quietly. The only way you know he has entered your cubicle is that you hear “SSSsssippp” as he takes another drag from his coffee. He talks as though he doesn’t care if you are listening or not. In fact, talking to him is like jumping into the middle of a conversation between two people and never getting caught up enough to know what they are talking about.
- Generate mass emails requesting information that you don’t really need. People will think you are really busy. Say things in your emails like, “If someone has the file for the Peterson project, please return it as soon as you are done.” or “Email is now working properly. Thank you for your patience.”
- Don’t turn everything in at once. No matter how quickly you get things done, never turn it all in at once during this week. Spread – it – out. Trust me… your boss has no idea what you do or how long it should take anyway. (unless, of course, you have been cursed with the dreaded “boss who used to do your job and knows more than you” scenario. If so, I can’t help you. You’re on your own)
- Whenever presented with a new task by your boss and asked, “how long do you think it will take to finish this?” always shake your head negatively and say something like “Mmmmm… sharpening pencils can be tricky. It looks simple enough, but doing it right can take some time. Could be a couple days. Maybe more if there are any surprises.” This way, you can actually turn the project in about 6 hours “early” and your boss will be singing your praises for “going above and beyond”.
- NEVER volunteer. Never ever ever. When in a meeting and your boss says, “Ok, so who wants to head up this project?” don’t think for a second that this is a “great opportunity to show him/her what you can do.” No, on the contrary, this is actually “a great opportunuity to show him/her that you have nothing to do and are so desperately bored that you are actually willing to volunteer for additional work.” If you want to take on the project, simply make eye contact with your boss. When your boss notices your eye contact, look away quickly. This is a time-proven way to get your boss to say, “Ben, can you do it?” Refer to #9 above for the appropriate response to this question.
I hope this helps you navigate your way through this down time. Enjoy it while it’s here because after New Years, all bets are off and we begin the 2nd worst time of the year: the long stretch where there’s no holiday in sight. My hope is that these few tips can help maybe just one person not turn out like this guy:
[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v85eCqEJYBM[/video]
[tags]office humor, work humor, bored, bored at work, office survival[/tags]