Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI

The HR rep introduced herself as Sally. She was a plump woman. Very round, I recall. Round face, round nose, even her hands were round. I got the feeling that if someone pushed her at the top of a hill she would just roll until something stopped her. She was also very serious and very efficient. As it turns out she was the HR rep, the Quality Control supervisor and the Safety Coordinator. Serious indeed.

I was escorted into a small break room with nicotine-stained walls and a drink machine that charged $.75 for a can of fake Pepsi. The machine had a Pepsi sign on it, but the backlight was turned off and a printed 8′1/2×11 sheet of paper was taped onto the machine saying, “NOT Pepsi. It’s ‘Cola’.” Sally saw that I was distracted and directed my attention above the “Cola” machine where I met my new orientation instructor: a 15″ Magnavox tv/vcr mounted on a tv stand.

“You know how to work one of these?”, Sally asked nodding at the tv/vcr. “It’s a tv and a vcr in one.”

“I think I can figure it out.”

“Well, I’m right down the hall if you need me.” she said reassuringly.

With that, she handed me a stack of dusty training videos and wobbled from the room. I slid 3 quarters into the “Cola” machine and pushed the “Pepsi” button. Out came some kind of no-brand citrus soda. Laughing to myself, I popped in the first video and sat down at one of the card tables to settle in for what promised to be a very entertaining introduction to the wonders of making glue.

This was a first. I have watched many training videos in my life. Never have I seen one with subtitles.

As it turns out, this is a Japanese company that felt that the United States didn’t have enough glue and so started a branch in Sanford, NC. The video began with the company logo spinning and swirling really fast on the screen while some guy yelled something in Japanese. I have no idea what he said, because there were no subtitles for it. Just some guy yelling something like, “Geee-shaaa-yyyohhhtoooohhhh!!! Shuhhh.”

Then a guy in a white hard hat and a clipboard began talking in a grave tone explaining the work ethic of the company and other policies. Apparently this guy had never been to Sanford, NC. This went on for what seemed like hours. It may have only been a few minutes, but I kept dozing off. I watched about 4 tapes of this exact same guy in a white hard hat talk in Japanese with the subtitles scrolling across the bottom. Every time there was a transition in the video, the crazy spinning logo would appear with “Geee-shaaa-yyyohhhtoooohhhh!!! Shuhhh.” screaming from the tiny tv/vcr. At least that would wake me up enough to keep from embarrassing myself.

Eventually, Sally came back in. I was in the middle of “Tape 4, Break Time is Still Company Time” when she walked over and cut it off. “That’s good enough,” she said. She sat down with a thick MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheets) notebook. She began talking a mile a minute. She was flipping pages and saying things like “this symbol means the material inside can cause fatal damage to your respiratory system” and “this symbol means that the material inside can cause you to become infertile, or with small exposure amounts, can cause your children to grow furry tails.” But she was flipping through the book so fast, I couldn’t keep track of what symbol meant what.

Finally, I stopped her and asked to see them again. She informed me that “this training time is meant to just expose you to the information. This book is available for your use any time.” Then training and orientation was over. She told be to get back on the floor that Bud was looking for me. Something about a formula miscalculation in the glue and needing it filtered.

So off I went, gas mask in hand, hard hat on my head and no steel toed boots. I was about to find out how to filter glue. “Can’t wait to put ‘Glue Filtration Technician’ on my resume.” I thought.

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI

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