Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI

A co-worker and I were swapping stories this past week about crazy jobs we have held in the past. Both of us had experienced the joy of being laid off by a fortune 500 company, so we had a surprising amount of similarities in our employment adventures. However, I trumped him with one of mine. Thought you might enjoy it too.

After being laid off from a great IT job at Nortel Networks (along with seemingly everyone else in North Carolina), I found the pickings pretty slim for employment options. I did the unemployment thing until The Man kicked me to the curb and told me to pay my own way. So, I trudged down to the Manpower temp agency office. I completed the miles of paperwork detailing all of my qualifications. I even took a computer skills test. My agent seemed very impressed and promised quick placement. I left there excited.

Within 48 hrs my agent had called me with a job placement paying $10 an hour in Sanford, NC. I asked her what the job involved and she told me, “All I know right now is that it’s Industrial. I need you to come in and take a math skills test.” I figured anything that required a math skills test couldn’t be too bad so I took the test (I should have clued in to what was coming when they gave us a cheat sheet with the answers on it for a test that a 7th grader could have easily passed). I was given directions to the new job site and an interview time.

I put on my best business suit, shaved, brushed my hair and dug out my old briefcase from the closet. I printed my resume out on fancy card-stock paper and left early enough to absorb the possibility of getting lost a few times. Then I set out, coffee-filled travel mug in hand, ready to take on the world.

As I neared the new job site, I noticed a strange, pungent odor in the air outside. I figured it was coming from one of the many factories lining the road. Then I arrived at a large, square, warehouse-style building with several tall smokestacks coming out the top. I double-checked my information with the sign out front and sure enough I was in the right place. I thought, “I guess I’ll be working in the office.”

I stepped from my car and was confronted with a smell that I can only describe as a mixture of burning hair, fingernail polish, and paint remover. I began walking towards my fate and noticed that the closer I got to the building, the stronger the smell was. “Not good. Not good at all.” I thought.
I was met by a man wearing a hard hat in a shirt with “Bud” stenciled on the front. He sported thick glasses and his yellow hard-hart was intentionally crooked on his head. Kind of a Bob the Builder meets Dick Tracey look. “My name is Bill. Most folks call me Bud.” I introduced myself and was led into a small conference room for my interview. Bud slowly removed his hat and sat down with my resume. He looked over the resume for a few seconds and said,

“You do computers, huh? I have a computer.”

I nodded, “Really?”

“You done good on the math test. Best score I seen, anyway.”

I nodded, “Really?”

“You got any steel toe boots?”

I shook my head, “I don’t think so.”

“You’ll need some. We make glue.”

I nodded, “OK.”

The rest was a blurr, but I recall being fitted for a HAZMAT suit and gas mask and being asked a lot of questions about having any allergies to common chemicals. Then I remember hearing someone say, “You start tomorrow. Don’t wear any clothes you want to keep.”

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI

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